I’m Pissed

I’m Pissed

I’m pissed, and I’m not going to take it anymore.

Oh sure, I talk about punching people in the face. All the freaking time. And I have a forceful, f-bomb heavy way of expressing myself, but the reality is my bark is one hundred times worse than my bite. I’m a cupcake, a marshmallow, a pansy, a total wuss, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get mad as hell. And my favorite person to be pissed at? Give you three guesses. Oh yeah, you got it. Me.

So what the fuck have I done now to piss myself off? Plenty, and typically this would be the part where I would rant, quite spectacularly, about the bazillion stupid things I’ve done, haven’t done, said or haven’t said. Blah fucking blah fucking blah.

Buuuut, the older, wiser me (yep, just had a birthday) is attempting to practice what I preach, so I’m taking Kay’s advice and I’m rewriting my personal story. Old storyline – I’m a cupcake, a marshmallow, a pansy, a total wuss. The truth? I’m a cupcake, a marshmallow, a pansy, a total wuss in a lot of areas, but I have a streak of strength, too. I just need to learn to tap it, and that is a daily struggle. Old storyline – I’m a pathetic loser who has so much, but somehow that is never enough. The truth? I’m blessed in so many ways, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes get depressed. The greater truth? Blessed people are allowed to get depressed, and being blessed doesn’t diminish the depth or the reality of that depression.

So while I was all deep into this introspection, I also took my own advice and reached out to family and friends. I told them what was going on with me, and asked for help. And frankly, I’ve been floored by the response. With support, in two days I’ve accomplished more than I did in the past seven days and the funk is lifting. Better still, I’m pushing aside the pissed off part of myself that is so damn good at beating me up, and I’m looking forward to the less angry, softer me on the other end. F-bombs notwithstanding.

And I’m writing again.

Lorinda Peake

Lorinda Peake wrote her first ditty when she was ten on an English seashore while visiting her British grandmother. From then on, her family either acted in or were treated to plays, skits, or commercial spoofs. In school, she wrote poetry, fables and short stories.

Years later, she tossed down a particularly bad novel and thought, “I could do at least that well.” She’s been pursuing the elusive published novel ever since. Recently, she joined a group of fellow writers who decided to cajole, bully, encourage, and sometimes baby each other along towards the publishing goal by setting real and measurable writing objectives with “motivational” consequences for non-attainment.

Lorinda loves a good romance – all the more if it is wrapped in a great fantasy setting. She lives on the Texas Gulf Coast with her husband of 34 years.

13 thoughts on “I’m Pissed

  1. Ah, what a wonderful post! It’s so full of raw, unflinching honesty. Really terrific. Would that I had your courage… How brilliant that you’re rewriting your personal story.

    It’s really tough to hang in with those darker emotions, and yet pushing them aside has a tendency to cause them to lurk in the shadows, haunting us. “What we resist, persists” might best describe the effect.

    But the fact that you reached out to your friends for help (even though your brain is likely telling you not to do it, you’ll look stupid, etc., etc., ad nauseam) is the true act of courage.

    And YAY! on the writing again! I’m super-psyched about that, girl, and can’t wait to read a draft whenever you’re ready!

    1. Generally, writing tends to be a litmus test for my overall mental well-being. The more I write, the better I feel. Really looking forward to hitting Ann Marie’s Book in Month April madness.

  2. You know, anger is one of the stages of grief, and basically, killing your bad habits demands that you grieve. And loss is always followed with redefining your existence. What does life look like without all that personal negativity? Brighter, happier, more productive? Yes, but don’t forget, you’re still going to have bad days, days when, horrors — you actually think back nostalgically about the bad old days — but don’t give in.

    Plus, as a card-carrying member of the personal-negativity sisterhood, I think our issues are always worse with Winter. But Spring is here. Longer, warmer, sunnier days filled with flowers, friends and butterflies. It’s just easier to be optimistic in Spring!

    So here’s to redefining our lives, having more happy days, and getting words on the page!

  3. 1st paragraph – wow. So true. I begin a new habit eagerly, but that enthusiasm quickly fades, especially as it is just so damn easy, so comfortable, so familiar to fall back to old ways.

    So, in the continuing saga of me rewriting my personal story – Old storyline? As I age, life should be easier. I’ve earned that, right? The truth? Not so much. What I struggle with is that I already knew this truth, but by continuing with the same old thinking and the same old behavior by golly I should be able to force my will on life, make it into what I want. Yeah, I know. They have little rubber rooms for people like that. The greater truth? A little struggle is not necessarily a bad thing. Keeps you fighting, striving towards a goal, and dare I say it – keeps you younger?

    So got me a date with sunshine. Might even do a little gardening. And I’m writing.

  4. Ann – having been on the receiving end of your anger, she-who-shall-not-be-named, understands what a heavy burden your anger is to carry. BUT for the first time, I think I see ‘productive’ anger. I would have never thought anything about anger could be good!
    Anger=Bad always! I was wrong. This anger you have at yourself and then having the courage to tell us all about it – well, dahlin, you have outted yourself – so now you HAVE to cheer up and feel loved! Cause, really we do love ya …

  5. I’m so glad you’re rewriting your personal story, and I hope you find great happiness and fulfillment. Also glad you’re writing again. My writing is definitely tied closely to my state of well-being. I don’t feel whole unless I’m actively writing and working on a story.

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