I’m Losing My Ever-Loving Mind!

I’m Losing My Ever-Loving Mind!

So – my hubby works in Afghanistan, and while he’s gone it’s easy to descend into a morass of loneliness and depression. And dare I admit it – this leads to procrastination when it comes not only to my writing but in all aspects of my life. Not to worry. I discovered the cure. I stay busy. Boy-o-boy, when he left last time, I was swimming in busy. That should have meant all would be well and good in my world.

Why can’t life ever be that simple? Why can’t there be a single answer on how to “fix” whatever is ailing me? How come what works one time doesn’t necessarily work the second or third time? What the hell is the point of self-reflection when each and every time you face the same basic issue, the variables change just enough to mess with your reality?

Life sure can be bitch.

All my busyness backfired on me. No, I did not descend into a morass of loneliness and depression. Nope, nope, nope. That would have been too simple. Instead, life suddenly got to be too much, and I shut down. Oh, I’m sneaky when things in my head are not going well. I do just enough to skate by, or it might be more accurate to say I do just enough not to get caught.

To the outside world, nothing appears amiss. I know better. My bills stack up. My articles don’t get written. And my actual writing-writing – yeah, that thing I’ve devoted vast amount of free time pursuing – comes to a standstill. Coupled with a break in critique group (vacations and such) and you guessed it. No writing for weeks and weeks. Ann I’m losing my ever-loving mind thinking about failing to meet my third WoC goal, of having to give up my status as a member of the Dry Team. Of taking yet another ice bucket dunking. And it’s not because I haven’t had the time. I have. I’ve simply chosen NOT TO WRITE. Why? On the surface, I needed some down time. I really was very busy, but my obligations are waning.  I’ve had plenty of chill time. That excuse no longer holds water.

Deeper down (under the surface), I’m scared. My stories aren’t developing like I thought. My writing process seems as undefined as ever. I’m questioning whether I have the stuff to go the distance. I’m wondering if I can actually finish a damn story. Publishing seems farther away than ever.

I’m not about to wrap up here by telling you how I fixed my issues, because I’ve fixed nothing. Neither am I going to tell you that I will write today, because I’m not sure I will. What I will leave you with is two bits of “positive” that have come to me of late.

The first was the Starfish Conference two weekends ago. Sarah MacLean, keynote speaker, said something that resonated with me. She said, “Put it all in there!”. That translated into a germ of an idea. Still noodling on that, but I’m encouraged. The second was a scene that suddenly played out in my head, and that in turn got the bigger wheel in my head turning.

Who knows? Maybe I will write today. Better than losing my mind completely, eh?

Lorinda Peake

Lorinda Peake wrote her first ditty when she was ten on an English seashore while visiting her British grandmother. From then on, her family either acted in or were treated to plays, skits, or commercial spoofs. In school, she wrote poetry, fables and short stories.

Years later, she tossed down a particularly bad novel and thought, “I could do at least that well.” She’s been pursuing the elusive published novel ever since. Recently, she joined a group of fellow writers who decided to cajole, bully, encourage, and sometimes baby each other along towards the publishing goal by setting real and measurable writing objectives with “motivational” consequences for non-attainment.

Lorinda loves a good romance – all the more if it is wrapped in a great fantasy setting. She lives on the Texas Gulf Coast with her husband of 34 years.

7 thoughts on “I’m Losing My Ever-Loving Mind!

  1. Thanks for your raw honesty. It’s so easy to talk about how we got through this panic or over that horrific period — after it’s already over — and not so easy to own the terrible experience while it’s happening. And hanging around in those doldrums can be incredibly defeating, even while we feel powerless to stop doing it.

    What I love about your energy is that you tap into your creativity while working with your challenges. You try this approach and compare it to that approach, always looking for something that works. You’ve always struck me as someone willing to learn and try something different, which is a huge gift.

    And the thing is, from the outside, I suspect you can achieve this next goal, assuming work isn’t too much in the way.

    I’m looking forward to hearing your new ideas for Book 2 when we get together next! Woohoo!

    1. Weeellll now, the “idea” would translate across all three books, and has the potential to carry on in even MORE 3 book serials. I talked the idea over with Austin Kathy, and she liked it, although then we were talking about the idea in terms of it’s own story. What I like about it is that could bring the supernatural/magical to my current WIPs, which I sure have been missing of late.

      As to my other writing (or rather non-writing) I plan to join AMN’s October BIM. Also been reading Scrivener for Dummies. Want to try and write book 2 in the program.

      Thanks, as always, for your words of encouragement!

      1. Very scary picture you have on your post that does not get me excited at all. I like your Facebook picture a lot better. We all do this from time to time and we just somehow need to get back on the horse. This is life which is always ironic. We knowingly do things wrong and make excuses about it. Thats why there is such a business with head Doctor’s isn’t it. It is all up there in our head to do what needs to be done, you lose weight then gain it back. I constantly find my self in a pity party over here with no one to support me at all. You have some support with your family and friends. Sorry to say just get over it and do it, OR quit making bets and feeling bad about it. For many years I was a drunk after my Dad died, and then I quit not because of you or anyone but because I choose not to be a drunk. This is you and you have to decide, whatever it is live with it my love. You know I will be there for you, hopefully not with that picture you posted….

  2. Gosh – I think that picture brings out the real you – guess you’ve been hiding that from the love of your life for over 30 years! That said, he’s right damn it – ( yes, I AM always on your side and I got your back – but right is right). Writing is HARD – that’s why we need this accountability/critique group. But, really, do t worry about the writing – Dawn & I won’t fight to long over which one of us gets to dunk you!

    1. I figured y’all would share the “duty” prolonging the pain as long as humanly possible. Yikes! Better get off this page and commence to writing so I can thwart your dastardly plans!

  3. I want to emphasize how incredibly in love with my wife I am first of all. I was hard and to the point with her on my previous post. I want to encourage her to do anything she loves like writing. Everybody needs a push and that is what I was trying to do and did not mean to blow her off in any way. It was my man’s way of saying like a Coach to get back on the horse dammit, or stay on the ground and forget it about doing it. It’s time to make a decision that is this just for fun, or are you serious about what you want to do. I absolutely suck at Golf now that I have been in Afghanistan for 3 years and only played only 3 times. I am going to work real hard some day at getting better by practicing until I am great again, and I can beat the shit out of everyone. I will play the club pros at Glenbrook and get my ass handed to me,but I will get better and eventually beat them again. I will never be Tiger Woods but I will be good again. I love Golf, I love the beauty of the game with the colors I never see over here. I love how every hole is a new start, if you mess up on one hole can you maintain your composure and start a new hole without giving up. What if your first 3 holes really suck, are you going to give up on the last 15 holes and quit? Can you pull yourself together and come back and have a good round. It shows character to come back and still have a good round. Can you make a clutch 5 foot to save par on the 18th hole to beat your last score or your buddy. I love how you meet the nicest people on a Golf for the most part and it’s a gentleman’s game. I love how you can wear really cool clothes on a Golf course. What I am trying to say is I love the game and everything about it mentally as well. Thats why I play it and think about playing it even when I am over here. That is what I am trying to express to the love of my life. Do you really want it. How bad do you want it.It is not wrong to just want to do it for fun.

    I was teaching an assistant Manager how to play golf along time ago, he was really bad at first.I started noticed him wearing bandages at work. I said hey what’s up with all the bandages? He was practicing 2 hours a day hitting balls after work so he could get better. That is wanting to be better at something. He got better fast and pushed me to get better.. How bad do you want this is what I am saying. You can just enjoy writing, or do you want to be a published writer? You must ask your inner soul this shit, no one can do this for you…… Shit or get off the pot because someone else whats to use it is what my Dad used to say… I love you so terrible much Angela.

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